Brightlightness
by Eogrus
Summary: Everything wrong with Warhammer 40k is corrected at last.


Hi, my name is Angelica Sophia Athena Columba Rosacea Eos Saule Albuquerque, but you can call me Angelica. I am a prettiness blonde 18 year old girl, which dresses in all white robes and stylish furs. I was born in the colonies of Terra, and I was very happy because the world was polluted and evil and mean, but one day a bright light shone in my dreams when I was asleep. Three bright figures appeared: a man made of flames with a black armour, a horrific abomination made of pure white light, and a crystal.

"Hi Angelica" they said happily.

"Who are you?" I asked questioningly?

"My name is Solkan, and these are my siblings Alluminas and Arianka. We're the gods of law, the true gods of this universe, and we ruled in peace and harmony, but then everything changed when an evil and ugly man decided to make this universe of ours all grimdark. We tried to reason, and we created the Tau to make the universe better, but then ugly devil people made of poop who will never get laid tried to make them morally ambiguous, so it we failed" said Solkan sadly.

"But now you're here Angelica, so now you can be our herald and make everything better again!" said Alluminas radiantly.

"But how, I'm just a little girl so beautiful that I cannot have friends because they all wear fedoras" I said unhappily.

"Don't be sad, Angelica" said Arianka, "We will bless you with the wind of Hysh so you can prove the entire world you're right and they are wrong. We love you Angelica!"

And so they disappeared and I woke up, and I felt strange. I was glowing with a bright white light that made rainbows whenever I walked, and I knew what to do. I used my light powers to grow a pair of huge angel wings and I flew around for a bit, until I reached the Emperor's Palace! All the evil ugly Inquisition guards tried to shoot at me, but I used Birona's Timewarp to send them back in time to the age of the dinosaurs and kill them. I then flew to the Emperor's room, and I saw him on life support.

"Who're you!?" said an ugly and evil general man, Ciaphas Cain "I HATE YOU I'M GOING TO RAPE YOU!"

But I used my light powers to burn his tonsils out so he run and screamed in pain cowardly. I then touched the Emperor's throne, and just as the Inquisition was about to burst in, the corpse glowed in white light and the Emperor was restored to life!

"Angelica, thank you for your services, you are a true servant of the Empire and an agent of good" he said happily, "From now on we will all worship the gods of law and be good! Grand Inquisitor, send a message to the Tau that we shall be allies with them!

And so they did, and the Tau got the call and send all their resources to the Empire, so now everyone's stanards of living became good. They stopped their eugenics and poverty ended, because everyone became good and happy.

"Thank you Angelica, you're so nice and sweet and awesome!" said everyone in all the planets of the Empire and the Tau, which was now a single interplanetary utopia called Empiretau.

"Because you're a true agent of good, I renounce my title as Emperor so now you're the Queen Princess" said the Emperor and the Tau wisely, they went on a vacation on Pluto while I became the sole regent.

I couldn't believe it! Through my compassion and kindness, everyone was happy now! I cried tears of happiness, all the grimdarkness of our nations was gone and people were finally happy. I abolished all the hateful marines, who were evil and mutated and very grimdark and dudebro, they were the primary cause of the universe's edginess and stupidity, so they were all thrown to the void and died, and everything became peaceful. But evil remained still.

"Lady Angelica, the Eldar are evil still!" said the navigator unhappily.

"Don't worry my friends, I will talk to them!" I said bravely and righteously.

"Be careful Angelica, they're very mean and evil!" said my Kroot friend Rodriguez.

I nodded, and I used my light powers to fly to the craftworlds. There all the Eldar looked evil and snotty, because they were snobs and mean.

"So you're this Angelica?" said Empress Galadriel meanly.

"Yes your majesty, there is no need for violence and mistrust between our people, if you only all just surrendered to good" I said truthfully.

"Bah, so you seek to crush our individuality you fascist nazi communist cultural marxist!" said the Eldar evilly, they knew they were wrong so they were forced to utilise ad hominems and assumptions.

"No, I am not a fascist nor a national socialist nor a communist nor a marxist that is interested in culture, I am simply a force for good and and all of those are evil, so I am not those. As you can see, my nation is the most peaceful, happy place in the universe, you have to accept the truth and the gods of law and convert to good, that is the only way" I said rationally and reasonably.

"You retarded poopy head!" the Eldar said, they knew they were wrong and could not argue against my rhetoric, but they were still angry.

Eventually, they gave up, and so I and the Eldar planned to deal with the problem of the Dark Eldar. We all flew to the Nexus, where the evil chaos goddess Slaneeshed lived. It was very dark and evil, and the Dark Eldar all looked rapedly.

"You're not even worth our time, you little shit!" they said condescendingly, they were extremely insecure so they had to resort to naughty words to defend their fragile egos, "Our goddess is stronger than your puny gods!"

"Then let me talk to her" I said compassionately.

They all sweated nervously, they were clearly intellectually defeated and could not win, but then a huge vortex of darkness appeared...SLAANESH!

"HAW HAW HAW SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DEFEAT ME I AM THE WHORE GODDESS OF EVIL I AM SUPPORTED BY PATHETIC BASEMENT DWELLERS WHO CANNOT BEAR TO ENJOY LIFE AND THINK THEY'RE REBELLIOUS BY WHINING ABOUT GRIMDARKNESS WHEN THEY'RE REALLY JUST SAD AUTISTIC WASTES OF OXYGEN WHO WILL NEVER CONTRIBUTE MEANINGFULLY TO SOCIETY AND WASTE MONEY ON STUPID FIGURINES!" said Slaanesh whoristically and sluttily.

"On the contrary, I already won" I said righteously.

Slaanesh then got MAD, and fired bolts of whoredom at me, but with the combined power of the gods of law I bent the demon energy blasts, and redirected them at her. I then infused her with all the light energy of love, an suddenly she stopped looking like a slut and transformed into a well dressed pink wearing goddess of love.

"Oh Angelica, thank you for freeing me from the darkness, it was so evil and disgusting!" Slaanesh said happily, "I promise to now always be good and help everyone!"

She the kissed all the Dark Eldar and they turned into Sun Eldar, putting now gold armours and regenerating their wounds to become pretty again. She shook hands with the gods of law, and they ebcame friends again. But our work wasn't done yet. I flew into the warp, it was very chaotic and evil, but wherever my light shone it turn to goodness and flowers and rainbows, and all the daemons became pretty angels full of eyes and bull, lion and eagle heads. I made my way to the abode of the disgusting god Nurgle, who was full of gengivitis and cholera.

"Hello Angelica, do you want a slash of Ebola?" said Nurgle stupidly.

"No Nurgle, we need to talk. People don't like being infected with disease, they like to be healthy and okay. If you truly love life, you must stop allowing bacteria to live for the greater good" I said reasonably and wisely.

"Really? Well then, I feel a bit awkward" said Nurgle embarassedly.

"Just change your ways and everyone will love you as well" I said comfortingly.

He did as I said, and he replaced all the disease with flowers. Now, all of his followers stopped looking like evil zombies and bugs and instead became all covered with roses and orchids and smelled GREAT. Then Nurgle took his wife out of her cage, and they lived happily ever after. Now, I just had two more problems to fix. I flew to Tzeentch's kingdom, a place full of chaos and evil, where manta rays flew out of the water and people looked mutated. He was laughing evilly in his throne, he looked like an evil blue bird with teeth in his beak to look edgy and cool, when he just looked like he was trying too hard.

"You FOOL good and happiness are for FOOLS you FOOLS!" he cackled evilly and ravenly, spitting gobs of spit because he was rude.

"Tzeentch, you embody hope. Hope cannot be sustained by mindless change, hope is a feeling to want to change things for the better, but how are things better if you never allow them to be?" I said smartly.

My words struck a nerve, and Tzeentch looked angry, and he threw spells at random, but he could not aim, he knew he was wrong, and fell down to his knees in despair.

"Oh Angelica, what shall I ever do?" said Tzeentch sadly and desesperatedly.

"Just be good to others and kind, that is all you need to do and be" I said truthfully.

"Thank you Angelica, now I will be true to myself and bring hope and peace to everyone!" Tzeentch said happily.

And so he stopped looking like an edgy bird and instead became a kind and white dove, and spread love and happiness to the universe. Now, there was only one chaos god to appease. I flew to the very heart of the warp, where it was all red and angry and evil. There, laid a disgustingly slob man, a very fat guy full of acne that was wearing a red armour with a black fedora on top, he was very sweaty and disgusting and there were tons of soda and potato chips around him.

"YOU STUPID FAGGOT NIGGER JEW SLUT WHORE STOP RUINING EVERYTHING YOU STUPID CULTURAL MARXIST SOCIALIST PANDERING CUNT YOU'RE TOTALLY A LIBERAL ARTS COLLEGE DUMB BROAD FRANK MILLER IS THE BEST NEO-NAZIS ARE COOL AND SO IS GAMERGATE AND SOUTH PARK BWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Khorne shouted incoherently and angrily.

It was hopefless, he was so full fo ager and hatred that it was impossible to reason with him. But I made strong and great friends, and so all the gods of law - now not just Solka, Alluminas and Arianka, but also Slaanesh, Tzeentch, Nurgle, his wife and the Emperor - channelled their power through me. I was full fo light and brightness and love, and I unleashed it all on Khorne. He screamed hatefully and evilly, but soon he began to change for the better, and as he was enveloped with light the old, hateful person he was disappeared for good, and all his good qualities came to life. He was now a wonderous, fit, muscular gentleman, with beautiful blue eyes and no fedora in sight.

"Thank you for forgiving me and giving me a second chance Angelica" he said happily and reverently, "Now I will unleash peace and balance to the world."

"Oh Khorne, that is so romantic, will you be my boyfriend?" I said happily.

He said yes, and we got married on the Necron homeworld, and so all the C'Tan became good as well, so their genocidal policies were instead replaced with mandatory flower giving ceremonies. Now only the Tyrannids and Orks remained to convert, and perhaps they would never fully be so, but it didn't matter. All the galaxy was united in happiness and harmony and love, now the warp was peaceful and happy and full of rainbows, and everyone lived happily ever after.

All grimdarkness ended, and instead there was a neverlasting light. You too can rejoice in this light, if you only focus on giving it back to the real world.

Amen. 


End file.
